Nolini On My Birthday

July 29, 1979

When I entered his room he broke into a smile of deep tenderness and said to me: "Richard". A few hours have now passed and I have had a little time to reflect on the love and sweetness he has bestowed on me , though, as I always felt with Mother, a lifetime would be needed to fully absorb such a force. His using my former name has made a profound impression. I felt something in it of the timeless friendship of an elder brother for a younger, for almost all my inner experiences except for Arindam, Mother and Sri Aurobindo, have been with Nolini.

I had picked many of the new colours and forms of 'Psychological Perfection' and I arranged them on a tray with Mary Helen's help. He looked at the flowers for a long time, something I had not observed before, and then expressed concern that the tray should be returned to me. Then he looked at me and said: "Alright?" I nodded yes and he said: "I have not been quite alright, I have been feeling a little weak." And then, with a tenderness that is inexpressible, he caressed my head, my face, passing his hand which felt so gentle over my cheeks and finally placing it gently on my shoulder. I gave him some sweets that came from the U.S. and I asked Mary Helen to give him a cupcake she had baked. She wanted me to give it to him but he said, clearly and joyously, "Let her give it." He then held my hand for a long time and finally smiled, a smile that filled the room and all the fibres of my being. I am not a poet and I would struggle with words to describe something that I shall carry into eternity. I can only say that I experienced behind the human mask of Nolini, a treasure vast and immeasurable, the smile of Mother and Sri Aurobindo.

In the Ashram courtyard Mary Helen quietly said to me: "I felt he was saying good-bye to you."

Afterwards I went to see Huta and I mentioned my meeting with Nolini. She was surprised and happy that he had seen me because he has not been seeing people since his illness. But then she said: "It was his way of saying good-bye to you."

There is no sadness at the thought of this, for if he stays it will be by Her Grace and if he leaves it will be Her Will.

His soul is a subtle atom in a mass,

His substance a material for her works.

His spirit survives amid the death of things,

He climbs to eternity through being's gaps,

He is carried by her from Night to deathless Light.

Savitri

Book 1, Canto 4

Written after returning from seeing Nolini on my birthday, 1979